The golf media didn’t always have such a contemptuous relationship with Tiger Woods. A few years ago when he was winning major championships on the regular, outlets like Golf Digest, Golf Channel and others couldn’t get enough of the Eldrick. He meant page views, ratings, and the almighty bottom line were going to be on a steep rise.

Now that his golf game has taken a nosedive after he crashed his SUV into a tree and was discovered as a serial cheat, it’s open season on the Big Cat. Dan Jenkins of Golf Digest recently ran a column with a fake interview he had with the golfer and Woods fired back with some venom. He called the interview “concocted” (duh) and said, “he has no idea how I think or feel about any of the things he claims to know about, which is why he had to make things up.”

All of the above is correct, especially concocted. I put a call into the Woods camp because I wanted an in depth, on-the-record, interview with one of the greatest golfers of all time after this whole fiasco (as any self-respecting journalist would).

Hurricane Golf: Tiger, it’s been a rough few years for you. Now with the recent parody interview people seem to be piling on. How do you respond to that?

Tiger Woods: Well, you know, a lot of people look at the negative things, the things that they did wrong and - which I do. But I like to stress on the things I did right, because there are certain things that I like to look at from a positive standpoint that are just positive reinforcement.

HG: So you’re trying to see the positive through all of the negative. That makes a lot of sense. How are you able to concentrate on golf when your life has been so tumultuous these past few years?

TW: I thoroughly enjoy getting away from the game and going out fishing because it's so relaxing, so quiet and peaceful. I mean, there's no noise other than nature - and it's so different from what I do in a tournament situation that it just eases my mind.

HG: Fishing… ok. You spend a lot of time outdoors it seems. Is there anything about the tranquility of being out in mother nature that might help your golf game?

TW: My friends call me Ranger Rick. 

HG: Right. So how is your swing these days?

TW: My golf swing feels good

HG: Do you think it will have the consistency needed to win at Augusta this year?

TW: The golf course looks good.

HG: …… So, winning The Masters is a possibility?

TW: I like my chances. 

HG: Well, Tiger, I’d say it has been a pleasure but this hasn’t gone exactly how I hoped it would. 

TW: As a kid, I might have been psycho, I guess, but I used to throw golf balls in the trees and try and somehow make par from them. I thought that was fun.

HG: Anything else you’d like to add before we finish up here?

TW: I don't believe that human beings can achieve ultimate enlightenment, because humans have flaws.

HG: What?

TW: And I don't cook, either. Not as long as they still deliver pizza.

HG: You know, I’m sorry I called. I don’t know why you got so bent out of shape over Jenkins’ Golf Digest interview anyway. You pointed out that it was concocted and he was upfront about it in the headline. Faux means that it’s not real. Sure, Jenkins has been pretty tough on you, but was the article so bad you had to pen a reply? The dominant Tiger Woods wouldn’t have batted an eye lash at that article and yet here you are getting all upset over it. Don’t you have better things to worry about?

TW: $%^&* %^&$*(#*&$   $$###^@*@(@(@(!!!!!!!

/snaps club

/hangs up

Hat tip to for the quote transcription following our interview.